Okay, okay. Maybe I came across a little too harshly in my post, “Is He Inconsiderate Or Just Plain Mean?“ (May 4, 2007). It’s just that sometimes, we have to take deliberate action to change unhealthy patterns in a relationship. That post suggests some ways to do that.
In a healthy relationship, disagreements are normal and can be worked out in an adult-to-adult way. However, unhealthy patterns that develop can lead to dysfunctional relationships. Flinging sarcastic remarks or even vicious criticism at someone, especially someone you say you love, is not mature adult behavior. Neither is accepting that kind of behavior from someone else.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. If you really want someone to change how they act toward you, you must make changes first! That may not seem fair, but often, it’s the way that works best, especially in close relationships.
You may need to speak up, speak out, and set some boundaries to communicate that you will NOT allow yourself to be abused, not even verbally. It is possible to do this in a loving manner.
Remind yourself. No one deserves to be put down or belittled.
Change the patterns. Unhealthy patterns of relating tend to get repeated over and over. To change a pattern, find ways to respond in a totally different manner. Just don’t respond in the same way as usual.
Changing patterns is a method for reshaping how we relate to one another.
So you want to be nice? We are taught to be kind and helpful and accommodating. But if someone habitually directs sarcastic or critical remarks at you, it’s time to be nice to yourself and start changing how you respond!
Allowing someone to abuse you is NOT being nice — to yourself or the other person. To be kind and loving means expecting the best for yourself and your relationship. Not only “someday,” but right now.
Prepare for resistance. When you begin changing how you respond, the old patterns get disrupted. That can be very upsetting to the other person. More than likely, he or she will step up their efforts to hook you back into the old patterns of reacting. Be prepared.
Simply observe the resistance. Keep up your own efforts to change those patterns. Before long, you should see some positive results.
Don’t give up. Changing old patterns may take awhile. Also, it’s natural to experience some fear of causing damage to a relationship if you don’t act the same way you always have.
As long as you respond in a straightforward, adult manner, you are doing the right thing. The situation will likely improve. In the event it doesn’t, you will be in a better position to evaluate the relationship realistically.
Important Note: These suggestions are meant to help relationships be healthier and happier. However, they are not appropriate where any kind of physical abuse is involved.
If you are being subjected to battering or any form of physical abuse, do not wait another minute — get help and get out of the situation immediately. Find a safe place to go. Don’t wait until things get worse! Life is too short to live in fear.
Copyright 2007. Carol Stewart and Licensors. All rights reserved.
